In this article, you’ll discover:
Why being intellectually right can be spiritually wrong - How the ego infiltrates even our most justified, rational arguments and corrupts them through delivery, tone, and the desire to “win” rather than grow someone
The Jordan Peterson lesson - What a debate moment taught me about the cost of rubbing salt in wounds, even when you’re completely correct
The love filter question - The single question that forces you to confront whether your response is truly from love or from ego: “Is this response growing them or satisfying me?”
Why we struggle most with those we love - How ego shows up strongest in conversations with spouses and family members, where being right feels more important than being loving
A note before we begin: This article started with a phone call where I felt myself getting angry—justified, correct, ready to let them have it. Then I asked myself one question that changed everything: “Is this from love?”
What you’re about to read is the teaching that emerged. The full podcast has the raw moment, the Jordan Peterson debate breakdown, and the complete framework for overriding ego with love. If you want the complete experience, become a paid subscriber to access the podcast archive.
The core truth: Being right isn’t enough. The question is—are you responding from love?
Greetings, Franklin O’Kanu here. The title and the idea behind this voice note is called “Love First.”
Earlier this week, I had a voice note on the idea of the ego and our thoughts. The core concept behind that piece was this: when going throughout our day and we’re having conversations, we may have the upper hand because we’re right intellectually.
A lot of times, being right can be wrong because our ego gets in the way, fusing with the fact that we’re right and giving us a sense of moral high ground, which then determines our actions.
The Jordan Peterson Example
One scenario that comes to mind was when I first started awakening to the world and watching intellectual discussion videos—people like James Corbett, like Richard Grove. I came across Jordan Peterson, of course, and I just loved how he would articulate intellectually—logic, sound, and reason—in these debates.
There was one debate that I saw, and he was arguing with this lady, I think she was in the UK. He had the intellectual stronghold—he made a comment, she asked him a question, he responded, and then her response showed that she was apparently dumbfounded. You could see it in her face—she had nowhere to go and she kind of just sulked over.
But his response was, “Ha, gotcha!” Right? And of course, it’s all in jokes and whatnot. But I remember seeing that and thinking, “Oh man, you didn’t have to rub it in her face. She’s grappling with something here. You don’t have to say ‘I got you,’ because now what happens is—yes, she could say she’s been got—but what could happen is she might double down more in her defensive, egotistical response.”
So you were right, Jordan, but I don’t know about pouring salt on a wound.
The Challenge with Those We Love
That’s the best way I can describe a lot of times when we have conversations. And I find that happens more when we have conversations with those that we love—whether it’s spouses or family members. A lot of times, we may be right about certain things, and we want to preach and say, “You should do this,” and so on. We may again be correct in our understanding and in our situation, but the delivery can be wrong.
That’s what I really talked about in “The Ego and Our Thoughts.” And I just had another scenario where I was intellectually right in what I was saying. However, and this is what I have come to realize, the best response to these egotistical thoughts is to challenge myself to look at the situation as it unfolds. When I challenge myself to look at the problem from a perspective of love and ensure my actions are rooted in love, I find it’s easier to keep that ego at bay.
It’s easier to see the ego, deal with the ego, but not take offense, so I respond in an egotistical way, or I promote an egotistical response that makes the other individual respond in an egotistical way.
Responding in Love
I just had another conversation the other day where a comment made me feel riled up. I could have—and I would have been right to—responded in anger, or not anger, but in a way that was somewhat egotistical. I was determined to do so. But I thought, “You know what? Let’s respond in love.”
And it’s a fascinating idea, because just going back to the species of the human being, we all have these natural reactions. We all have an impulsive, or you could say instinctual, or you could say environmental response to things. Things will trigger us, and we always have this initial thought process.
But the question I’m finding myself asking is: Is that response a response of love? And by asking that question, you force yourself to really come to terms with yourself. “No, I’m angry the way I’m about to say this. You know what? Let me be more understanding here.”
And I will completely tell you that I struggle with that a thousand percent in all I do. However, there are times when you think, “You know what? Let’s see where they’re coming from. Let’s listen to what they’re saying. You know what? That’s actually a really good point.” And by doing so, it’s this idea of love—how do I bring love forth?
Overriding the Egotistical Response
And I think—I would argue—this is what the spiritual teachings are: How do you essentially override your natural egotistical, beastly response? How do you override the response in anger or snark, which you are right to do, especially in these situations? Of course, you could go that route. But what if you went the other route—the route of love? You’re still going with the route of truth, but now you’re educating somebody. You’re growing somebody.
It’s extremely hard, but this is the beauty of a religion when the religion is practiced to its full extent.
And again, I would just come to realize—literally just now, I just had a phone call and I felt myself getting stirred because, “Wait, we didn’t talk about that.” But then—let’s pause, let’s listen with love. You know what? That’s actually a great callout. That’s a great comment.
And so the idea is: Whenever we get triggered, what is the loving thing to do? And is that love response overriding the egotistical response?
Listen, there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s up to you to determine what that is. But I found it helpful in the multiple situations I have done it this week—where I say, “Okay, let me find love instead of the egotistical response”—and it has provided me value.
So I hope this helps. Have a great and wonderful day.
—Ashe,
Franklin O’Kanu
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